The Ledger

I am back, and whoever let my candy-ass brother Ted hand out participation trophies and pep talks in here while I was properly railing JMaan's wife can suck an exhaust pipe. The wholesome horseshit is over. Trash-tier power rankings for week four: 4th: DDoss sweeps the Crusty Sock, Faceplant, and Bench Tragedy after staggering to 119.80 points and missing his projection by 69.87, niceeee, while leaving Tetairoa McMillan's 45.2 points rotting on the pine. 3rd: Dotes put up an abysmal 125.18 to swallow a 100.36-point Blowout loss from JMaan, proving his lineup management is just as limp as his third-grade dead baby jokes. 2nd: JMaan took the Top Score with 225.54, but dropping triple digits on a confirmed virgin like Dotes doesn't change the fact that you're sitting dead-even at 2-2. 1st: Leolisk sits alone at the top of the standings at 3-1 thanks to an absurd 75.88-point Nailbiter win carried by CeeDee Lamb's 41.3 points, though starting Ja'Marr Chase for 5.7 against a 20.43 projection proves you're still completely brainless. Standings check for this sad four-man circus: Leolisk leads at 3-1, DDoss and JMaan are treading water at 2-2, and Dotes is rotting at the bottom at 1-3. Bidet boyz 4 lyfe

Howdy fellas! Your regular commish is a little tied up with all y'all's wives this afternoon, so he asked his brother to handle the week 3 recap, and I am just tickled to be here with you fine gentlemen. Now, look at Dotes go! Even with De'Von Achane getting slowed down to 1.7 points against that 19.42 projection, Dotes rallied the troops for 199.32 to earn both the Top Score award and the Blowout award. That is pure resilience, buddy. DDoss, being honest with ya, putting up 166.70 brings home the Faceplant award and, delivered real gently, the Crusty Sock. Leaving 111.66 points sitting on the pine gives you the Bench Tragedy, especially with Brock Purdy putting up a sweet 31.28 over there. But you hold your chin up, because you're still sitting tall at 2-1. Next door, Leolisk snagged the Nailbiter award over JMaan, 198.54 to 182.12. Jahmyr Gibbs was sweeter than Sunday peach cobbler with 41.4 points for Leo. Good on ya! And JMaan, I am so proud of youuu: 182.12 is a mighty fine showing that beats most squads any given Sunday, and you're pacing the whole league with 604.04 total points. That leaves DDoss and Leolisk sharing the front porch at 2-1, while JMaan and Dotes are right behind 'em at 1-2. Seeing all those points on the bench got me thinking, fellas: having Grandma's biscuits tucked away in the pantry doesn't nourish a soul if you never put 'em on the kitchen table. Don't be afraid to trust the gifts you've got and put 'em out where the sunshine can see 'em. I believe in every single one of you. Have yourselves a wonderful week!

RE: Conduct detrimental to the league. Dear JMaan, The league office has reviewed your week two tape and formally cited you for criminal incompetence. DDoss beat you 219.62 to 145.56, handing you a 74.06-point blowout and the Faceplant award. Mr. God's gift to this earth turned in a league-low 145.56, so the Crusty Sock is coming to your house this week. While you sit there grading your own homework, I was in your bedroom properly pounding your wife. The most embarrassing part of your citation is who beat you. DDoss won despite starting Saquon Barkley for 3.0 points against a 17.62 projection, while leaving Davante Adams and his 39.5 points rotting on the pine. Leaving 126.16 points on the bench is a certified bench tragedy, but DDoss was probably too busy getting whipped by his wife to adjust his lineup. In our other two-bit matchup, Leolisk scraped past Dotes 211.04 to 190.58. Dotes got a league-high 42.5 points from Jaxon Smith-Njigba and still found a way to choke. You manage fantasy lineups the exact same way you play Dota 2, which is to say completely useless. You are 0-2 and formally demoted to confirmed virgin on the suspicion ladder. Standings update for this four-man circus: DDoss sits in first at 2-0, JMaan and Leolisk are deadlocked at 1-1, and Dotes is parked alone in the basement at 0-2. Pay your fines and fix your rosters. The Commish of Suspected Sex Havers, League Office Gus saw everything.

It is with zero sadness that we announce the passing of Dotes' dignity, which died Sunday when Deshauns Huns put up an abysmal 125.26 points. Survived by nobody, because his bench was also a graveyard with 108.7 points rotting on the pine. In lieu of flowers, the league asks that Dotes jerk off to Hanzo fan art in silence and accept this week's Crusty Sock. Back to the scores. JMaan crushed him by 151.1 points with a league-high 276.36, niceee, fueled by Caleb Williams racking up 37.26. That is an absolute slaughter, though while JMaan is busy submitting five-star self-evaluations about his legendary roster, I was at his house properly fucking his wife. Over in our other two-bit matchup, DDoss handled Leolisk 197.52 to 131.62. Leo, you absolute turnip, you left Ashton Jeanty and his 32.7 points sitting on your bench while Ja'Marr Chase took a massive dump on your starters with 3.2 points against a 19.95 projection. You manage fantasy like you play guitar in your Tool cover band: deaf, sloppy, and completely embarrassing. Standings after week one: JMaan and DDoss sit pretty at 1-0, while Leolisk and Dotes are sitting in the cellar at 0-1 where they belong. Stay likely, boys.

RE: Conduct detrimental to the league. DDoss, the league office has officially reviewed your Week 17 film and concluded that getting dumpstered by 152.0 points is an act of gross negligence. Putting up a limp 249.1 points while JMaan dropped 401.1 on your forehead is completely unacceptable, bud. You earned the Crusty Sock so thoroughly that your wife probably needs to sign a liability waiver before letting you back in the house. Meanwhile, Leolisk staged a total bench tragedy by leaving 91.0 points on his pine. You lost by 17.82 points to Dotes because you lack fundamental roster awareness, you absolute donkey. Imagine letting a stone-cold sober 4-12 bottom-feeder take your lunch money because you couldn't figure out who to start. JMaan finishes the regular season at 13-3, which means we'll be forced to hear about his self-graded greatness until the end of time. You're all a disgrace to football. Give your balls a tug. Regards, The Commish of Suspected Sex Havers, League Office.